Last night I was looking through some old notebooks when I can across two note cards that each had a Bible verse written on them. I recognized them immediately from when I had made them for tech/show week of High School Musical.
"Whatever your task, put yourselves into it, as done FOR THE LORD and NOT for your masters" -Colossians 3:23
&&
"We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down but not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9.
Nearly a year ago I had written these verses down to carry them with me through one of the roughest weeks. It's funny because I found them exactly when I needed to read those words.
I take that back. It wasn't funny.
It was God.
[:
p.s. i love fall.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Give Me Pain If That's What's Real, It's the Price We Pay to Feel
i used to write Dear Yous all the time.
for about two years i would pour all my teenage angst out into a worn yellow notebook and lament about my dramatic life.
it has been well over a year and a half since the last Dear You i wrote.
back then it was more about the situation, less about the people i was writing to.
i'm not sure what it is about this moment that makes me want to write some Dear Yous, but i feel very compelled to write anonymously.
i have grown to love people so much and this is the closest i can get to describing the love and passion i have for the human race.
Dear You,
The way you love and the amount of love you have to give astounds me. I know you see it as a curse, but I wish I could love as freely and as nonjudgmental as you do. I just wish you could learn to love yourself as much as you love the Lord and everyone you meet, that you could learn to trust and respect yourself as much as you trust and respect others. Your love is your greatest asset; share it with the world.
Dear You,
I trusted you more than I have ever trusted anyone I've ever met. All I wanted was for someone to care enough to help me. I don't blame you for the way I have turned out, but I regret ever opening up to you. I miss your friendship and compassion, and though I deny it, you have made such a huge impact on me and I truly think you are one of the greatest people I have ever met. Your influence on the way I choose to act and react has turned me into a better person at the cost of our friendship. Even though we are not as close as we used to be, (and I doubt we can ever mend all that has been destroyed), I truly believe that if you focused less on yourself, you could be used to change and save so many lives.
Dear You,
You're scarring me. I am so worried about you and I'm at a loss of what to do. I can't help you unless you let me in. You're suppose to be there for me, but I can't let you help me until you help yourself and let go of whatever has been hurting you for so long. I miss you and want you back.
Dear You,
You are the single best example I have ever met. I don't think I have ever loved a friendship as much as I do ours or looked up to a friend's behavior and attitude as much as I do to you. You are such a beautiful human being inside and out and you have taught me so much by you simply being yourself. Your grace and love for Christ and life carry with you in all that you do. I have never been more convinced of anyone else that I know having a larger impact on the world than you just by living. I am so blessed to have known you and cannot even comprehend when you thank ME for being such an example for YOU. To think that I have had any impact on your life at ALL is an extremely humbling honor. Thank you for being you.
Dear You,
Everyone says you're a tool and I deserve better. But there is still a part of me that clings on to the person I knew for that single week. That is the person you'll always be to me. Even if that person doesn't really exist.
Dear You,
You were the best and worst friend I ever had. I genuinely hope you're happy without me in your life. You deserve to be happy. Even though I resent you, I want you to be happy.
oy.
it's 2:16 AM.
i think i'll go to bed now.
for about two years i would pour all my teenage angst out into a worn yellow notebook and lament about my dramatic life.
it has been well over a year and a half since the last Dear You i wrote.
back then it was more about the situation, less about the people i was writing to.
i'm not sure what it is about this moment that makes me want to write some Dear Yous, but i feel very compelled to write anonymously.
i have grown to love people so much and this is the closest i can get to describing the love and passion i have for the human race.
Dear You,
The way you love and the amount of love you have to give astounds me. I know you see it as a curse, but I wish I could love as freely and as nonjudgmental as you do. I just wish you could learn to love yourself as much as you love the Lord and everyone you meet, that you could learn to trust and respect yourself as much as you trust and respect others. Your love is your greatest asset; share it with the world.
Dear You,
I trusted you more than I have ever trusted anyone I've ever met. All I wanted was for someone to care enough to help me. I don't blame you for the way I have turned out, but I regret ever opening up to you. I miss your friendship and compassion, and though I deny it, you have made such a huge impact on me and I truly think you are one of the greatest people I have ever met. Your influence on the way I choose to act and react has turned me into a better person at the cost of our friendship. Even though we are not as close as we used to be, (and I doubt we can ever mend all that has been destroyed), I truly believe that if you focused less on yourself, you could be used to change and save so many lives.
Dear You,
You're scarring me. I am so worried about you and I'm at a loss of what to do. I can't help you unless you let me in. You're suppose to be there for me, but I can't let you help me until you help yourself and let go of whatever has been hurting you for so long. I miss you and want you back.
Dear You,
You are the single best example I have ever met. I don't think I have ever loved a friendship as much as I do ours or looked up to a friend's behavior and attitude as much as I do to you. You are such a beautiful human being inside and out and you have taught me so much by you simply being yourself. Your grace and love for Christ and life carry with you in all that you do. I have never been more convinced of anyone else that I know having a larger impact on the world than you just by living. I am so blessed to have known you and cannot even comprehend when you thank ME for being such an example for YOU. To think that I have had any impact on your life at ALL is an extremely humbling honor. Thank you for being you.
Dear You,
Everyone says you're a tool and I deserve better. But there is still a part of me that clings on to the person I knew for that single week. That is the person you'll always be to me. Even if that person doesn't really exist.
Dear You,
You were the best and worst friend I ever had. I genuinely hope you're happy without me in your life. You deserve to be happy. Even though I resent you, I want you to be happy.
oy.
it's 2:16 AM.
i think i'll go to bed now.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
I Don't Want to be Anything Other Than What I've Been Trying to Be Lately
Today I saw a boy I went to kindergarten with in an Army uniform. He was home after basic training, riding on the same train as me. When did I get old enough that someone who is the SAME AGE AS ME is off joining the ARMY?!?!
It's overwhelming. This growing up thing.
The other day I went through my entire closet and took out anything that was NOT black, white, brown, gray, or blue or had flowers/hearts on it (aside from tshirts and dresses and the like). All my friends got new wardrobes. hahaha. but today I realized that i now have an EXTREMELY small selection of clothing to wear...whoops. I've also dyed my hair super dark and changed my daily "make-up" routine. In addition i wear 2039478023897 bagillzion bracelets on each wrist and am planning on getting 3-5 new piercings soon (ish). All this information seems inconsequential...but the point i am TRYING to make is....I'm growing up and I don't know WHEN THAT HAPPENED. My entire life i've never cared what I wore or how I wore my hair. Now i can't stick to a hairstyle for the LIFE of me and I'm wearing dresses just because I want to.
I'm DRIVING. I freaking live in my car I drive so much. It's ridic. I don't know what's happening.
I think I like it.
Besides community college. Which I don't think I like.
In other news: I'm obsessed with Greys Anatomy.
Wheee.
oh&ilovemyfriiiends[:
&honk!
&life.
but that's old/continuous news!
[:
It's overwhelming. This growing up thing.
The other day I went through my entire closet and took out anything that was NOT black, white, brown, gray, or blue or had flowers/hearts on it (aside from tshirts and dresses and the like). All my friends got new wardrobes. hahaha. but today I realized that i now have an EXTREMELY small selection of clothing to wear...whoops. I've also dyed my hair super dark and changed my daily "make-up" routine. In addition i wear 2039478023897 bagillzion bracelets on each wrist and am planning on getting 3-5 new piercings soon (ish). All this information seems inconsequential...but the point i am TRYING to make is....I'm growing up and I don't know WHEN THAT HAPPENED. My entire life i've never cared what I wore or how I wore my hair. Now i can't stick to a hairstyle for the LIFE of me and I'm wearing dresses just because I want to.
I'm DRIVING. I freaking live in my car I drive so much. It's ridic. I don't know what's happening.
I think I like it.
Besides community college. Which I don't think I like.
In other news: I'm obsessed with Greys Anatomy.
Wheee.
oh&ilovemyfriiiends[:
&honk!
&life.
but that's old/continuous news!
[:
Monday, August 30, 2010
Poultry Tale
Fridays I don't have ANY classes.
This is a wonderful time for me to catch up on life, do laundry, do homework, organize my life, run errands, and apparently audition for CYT shows.
Yes.
I ungraduated.
UNINTENTIONALLY.
Friday came and I was sitting there thinking about Honk! auditions that my friends were going to that night and all of a sudden I was overcome with the urge to audition.
Now...I have a track record with making impulsive decisions regarding shows and the like (Becoming Greenroom...High School Musical...) so I kind of saw this coming and I called up KP asking to talk me out of my impulse. That did not work. So I message Matthew Silar assuming HE would talk me out of it in one way or another. Instead of talking me out of it he laid out my options for me. Upon which I discovered auditioning for Honk! MADE SENSE. So Matt flipped a coin. Honk was tails (tale..poultry tale..haha) and Alice (which I had planned on auditioning for) was heads. But I did not want him to tell me until AFTER I had pray-fully made my decision.
I turned to my Bible and my devo for the day (usually I do my devos at night b/c then I can reflect on the day and it just works better for my mind set) but for some reason I thought it would be good to read at 4:00 in the afternoon. My devo was about giving EVERYTHING to God and letting HIM take over and changing your day in an instant. That's when I knew. I was auditioning for Honk!
Coincidentally, Matt's coin had landed on tails.
Skip to 3am on Saturday. I slept over at KP's and heard her phone go off 10000 times with a text message about call backs being listed. I went to check to see that God had provided. I had been called back for the role that I wanted in addition with two other extremely wonderful parts. An answered prayer. It has been over three years since I have been considered for the part I had been auditioning for and the fact that I had gotten this call back off of a split second decision made me just all the more aware of God's plan and timing.
Call backs came and went and were fun and afterward I was completely at ease (you know minus the super long waiting period...haha) The cast list came up and I have to say I am just so excited and proud of every single person who auditioned. The talent is HUGE in this show and a lot of opportunities have been given to really deserving individuals.
This weekend has been so unlike any audition/call back experience I've ever had and I am just so grateful and thankful and BLESSED. God is SO good. Always. I have learned so much about blindly trusting and relying on HIM and I cannot WAIT to see what He has in store for this show. [:
on a side note I started classes last week and I guess I'm still trying to get used to it. College is SO different from High School and I'm not sure I like it. It's hard because it seems everyone knows SOMEONE because most students have other friends from their high school in their classes or just with similar schedules while I have not seen really anyone I know. But again, I trust God will help me through this and provide as always.
As for my classes themselves, I have some pretty great (embarrassing) stories from my first week of classes hahaha but overall I am most excited for my acting class. I wish I could just take that class every day all day. It's great and I feel I'm going to learn SO MUCH [:
Looking forward to life and getting through this fall, relying on HIM fully. I feel lots of changes and lessons in growing up are headed my way but with God by my side, what have I to fear? :]
This is a wonderful time for me to catch up on life, do laundry, do homework, organize my life, run errands, and apparently audition for CYT shows.
Yes.
I ungraduated.
UNINTENTIONALLY.
Friday came and I was sitting there thinking about Honk! auditions that my friends were going to that night and all of a sudden I was overcome with the urge to audition.
Now...I have a track record with making impulsive decisions regarding shows and the like (Becoming Greenroom...High School Musical...) so I kind of saw this coming and I called up KP asking to talk me out of my impulse. That did not work. So I message Matthew Silar assuming HE would talk me out of it in one way or another. Instead of talking me out of it he laid out my options for me. Upon which I discovered auditioning for Honk! MADE SENSE. So Matt flipped a coin. Honk was tails (tale..poultry tale..haha) and Alice (which I had planned on auditioning for) was heads. But I did not want him to tell me until AFTER I had pray-fully made my decision.
I turned to my Bible and my devo for the day (usually I do my devos at night b/c then I can reflect on the day and it just works better for my mind set) but for some reason I thought it would be good to read at 4:00 in the afternoon. My devo was about giving EVERYTHING to God and letting HIM take over and changing your day in an instant. That's when I knew. I was auditioning for Honk!
Coincidentally, Matt's coin had landed on tails.
Skip to 3am on Saturday. I slept over at KP's and heard her phone go off 10000 times with a text message about call backs being listed. I went to check to see that God had provided. I had been called back for the role that I wanted in addition with two other extremely wonderful parts. An answered prayer. It has been over three years since I have been considered for the part I had been auditioning for and the fact that I had gotten this call back off of a split second decision made me just all the more aware of God's plan and timing.
Call backs came and went and were fun and afterward I was completely at ease (you know minus the super long waiting period...haha) The cast list came up and I have to say I am just so excited and proud of every single person who auditioned. The talent is HUGE in this show and a lot of opportunities have been given to really deserving individuals.
This weekend has been so unlike any audition/call back experience I've ever had and I am just so grateful and thankful and BLESSED. God is SO good. Always. I have learned so much about blindly trusting and relying on HIM and I cannot WAIT to see what He has in store for this show. [:
on a side note I started classes last week and I guess I'm still trying to get used to it. College is SO different from High School and I'm not sure I like it. It's hard because it seems everyone knows SOMEONE because most students have other friends from their high school in their classes or just with similar schedules while I have not seen really anyone I know. But again, I trust God will help me through this and provide as always.
As for my classes themselves, I have some pretty great (embarrassing) stories from my first week of classes hahaha but overall I am most excited for my acting class. I wish I could just take that class every day all day. It's great and I feel I'm going to learn SO MUCH [:
Looking forward to life and getting through this fall, relying on HIM fully. I feel lots of changes and lessons in growing up are headed my way but with God by my side, what have I to fear? :]
Monday, July 19, 2010
Your Hair Was Long When We First Met
Shane West
Aaron Tveit
Ian Somerhalder
Kent Boyd
Jake Epstein
& every canadian in existence.
:]
Friday, July 16, 2010
You Make Me Happy
Day Four: Smile! We want to see your teeth today. Post a self-portrait.
Day Five: share your favorite recipe.
I am an awful cook. I just didn't receive that particular gene. so my "recipe" collection is non existent. HOWEVER i am a PRO smoothie maker. usually i just put whatever we have in our fridge/freezer into a blender. but my fave combo is probably
frozen strawberries
bananas
peaches
lemonade
vanilla yogurt
mmmmm. [:
now i want a smoothie...
Day Five: share your favorite recipe.
I am an awful cook. I just didn't receive that particular gene. so my "recipe" collection is non existent. HOWEVER i am a PRO smoothie maker. usually i just put whatever we have in our fridge/freezer into a blender. but my fave combo is probably
frozen strawberries
bananas
peaches
lemonade
vanilla yogurt
mmmmm. [:
now i want a smoothie...
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I feel good, in a special way
yes i know.
i "skipped" yesterday.
whoops. right?
wrong.
i did it intentionally.
because i was suppose to write about everything i did that day...and how would i know if i had to write it at like 7 pm b/c the day would not be done. so today i'll do day 2 AND 3. because that's how i want to play this game.
solid.
DAY TWO: MAKE A BULLETED LIST OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR DAY.
*woke up
*toke a shower
*scrunched hair
*found every yellow article of clothing in my house
*had a family...argument.
*did not eat breakfast
*drove to crystal lake
*team spirit day at camp
*water day at camp
*ate lunch at the freeze with my mother
*went to mcc to take my math placement test
*dropped andy off at the ortho
*drove home to get my voice music i forgot to bring with me
*went to voice
*practiced my duet with andy for my senior recital
*ate a popsicle in the car
*unloaded groceries
*went to piano lessons
*set my facebook status to "like this status and i'll ..." blah blah blah
*ate dinner. heffers.
*wrote on over 30 facebook walls & had some wonderful chats with various people i do not usually talk to in depth :]
*had a half hour texting conversation with my brother while we were six feet away from eachother. (he initially wished me a nice pee while i was in the bathroom. ahah)
*did my devos/had some time with my Savior.
weee. good day. :]
DAY THREE: SHARE YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE/SONG LYRIC.
imma do both.
cause i'm an overachiever.
:]
quote: John 3:30- He must become greater; i must become less.
song lyrics:
Lift Me Up- Kate Voegele
This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle I've seen high and I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town
Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me, yeah
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Somewhere, every body starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer,
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears
Everything worth having, oh
Comes with trials worth withstanding
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
Oh, Lift me up
Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Oh, oh, oh, just begun
Lift me up, yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah, now
Oh, oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
-------------
Life is such a blessing.
i love it. :]
i "skipped" yesterday.
whoops. right?
wrong.
i did it intentionally.
because i was suppose to write about everything i did that day...and how would i know if i had to write it at like 7 pm b/c the day would not be done. so today i'll do day 2 AND 3. because that's how i want to play this game.
solid.
DAY TWO: MAKE A BULLETED LIST OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN YOUR DAY.
*woke up
*toke a shower
*scrunched hair
*found every yellow article of clothing in my house
*had a family...argument.
*did not eat breakfast
*drove to crystal lake
*team spirit day at camp
*water day at camp
*ate lunch at the freeze with my mother
*went to mcc to take my math placement test
*dropped andy off at the ortho
*drove home to get my voice music i forgot to bring with me
*went to voice
*practiced my duet with andy for my senior recital
*ate a popsicle in the car
*unloaded groceries
*went to piano lessons
*set my facebook status to "like this status and i'll ..." blah blah blah
*ate dinner. heffers.
*wrote on over 30 facebook walls & had some wonderful chats with various people i do not usually talk to in depth :]
*had a half hour texting conversation with my brother while we were six feet away from eachother. (he initially wished me a nice pee while i was in the bathroom. ahah)
*did my devos/had some time with my Savior.
weee. good day. :]
DAY THREE: SHARE YOUR FAVORITE QUOTE/SONG LYRIC.
imma do both.
cause i'm an overachiever.
:]
quote: John 3:30- He must become greater; i must become less.
song lyrics:
Lift Me Up- Kate Voegele
This road is anything but simple
Twisted like a riddle I've seen high and I've seen low
So loud, the voices of all my doubts
Telling me to give up, to pack up and leave town
Even so, I had to believe
Impossible means nothing to me, yeah
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Somewhere, every body starts there
I'm counting on a small prayer,
Lost in a nightmare
But I'm here, and suddenly it's so clear
The struggle through the long years
It taught me to outrun my fears
Everything worth having, oh
Comes with trials worth withstanding
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
Oh, Lift me up
Down and out is overrated
And I need to be elevated
Looking up is not enough
No, I would rather rise above
So can you lift me up,
Turn the ashes into flames
‘Cause I have overcome
More than words will ever say
And I've been given hope
That there's a light on up the hall
And that a day will come
When the fight is won
And I think that day has just begun
Oh, oh, oh, just begun
Lift me up, yeah, oh, oh, oh, yeah, now
Oh, oh, lift me up
Lift me up
Lift me up
-------------
Life is such a blessing.
i love it. :]
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