Give Me Pain If That's What's Real, It's the Price We Pay to Feel

i used to write Dear Yous all the time.

for about two years i would pour all my teenage angst out into a worn yellow notebook and lament about my dramatic life.

it has been well over a year and a half since the last Dear You i wrote.

back then it was more about the situation, less about the people i was writing to.

i'm not sure what it is about this moment that makes me want to write some Dear Yous, but i feel very compelled to write anonymously.

i have grown to love people so much and this is the closest i can get to describing the love and passion i have for the human race.



Dear You,
The way you love and the amount of love you have to give astounds me. I know you see it as a curse, but I wish I could love as freely and as nonjudgmental as you do. I just wish you could learn to love yourself as much as you love the Lord and everyone you meet, that you could learn to trust and respect yourself as much as you trust and respect others. Your love is your greatest asset; share it with the world.


Dear You,
I trusted you more than I have ever trusted anyone I've ever met. All I wanted was for someone to care enough to help me. I don't blame you for the way I have turned out, but I regret ever opening up to you. I miss your friendship and compassion, and though I deny it, you have made such a huge impact on me and I truly think you are one of the greatest people I have ever met. Your influence on the way I choose to act and react has turned me into a better person at the cost of our friendship. Even though we are not as close as we used to be, (and I doubt we can ever mend all that has been destroyed), I truly believe that if you focused less on yourself, you could be used to change and save so many lives.


Dear You,
You're scarring me. I am so worried about you and I'm at a loss of what to do. I can't help you unless you let me in. You're suppose to be there for me, but I can't let you help me until you help yourself and let go of whatever has been hurting you for so long. I miss you and want you back.


Dear You,
You are the single best example I have ever met. I don't think I have ever loved a friendship as much as I do ours or looked up to a friend's behavior and attitude as much as I do to you. You are such a beautiful human being inside and out and you have taught me so much by you simply being yourself. Your grace and love for Christ and life carry with you in all that you do. I have never been more convinced of anyone else that I know having a larger impact on the world than you just by living. I am so blessed to have known you and cannot even comprehend when you thank ME for being such an example for YOU. To think that I have had any impact on your life at ALL is an extremely humbling honor. Thank you for being you.


Dear You,
Everyone says you're a tool and I deserve better. But there is still a part of me that clings on to the person I knew for that single week. That is the person you'll always be to me. Even if that person doesn't really exist.


Dear You,
You were the best and worst friend I ever had. I genuinely hope you're happy without me in your life. You deserve to be happy. Even though I resent you, I want you to be happy.






oy.
it's 2:16 AM.
i think i'll go to bed now.

I Don't Want to be Anything Other Than What I've Been Trying to Be Lately

Today I saw a boy I went to kindergarten with in an Army uniform. He was home after basic training, riding on the same train as me. When did I get old enough that someone who is the SAME AGE AS ME is off joining the ARMY?!?!

It's overwhelming. This growing up thing.

The other day I went through my entire closet and took out anything that was NOT black, white, brown, gray, or blue or had flowers/hearts on it (aside from tshirts and dresses and the like). All my friends got new wardrobes. hahaha. but today I realized that i now have an EXTREMELY small selection of clothing to wear...whoops. I've also dyed my hair super dark and changed my daily "make-up" routine. In addition i wear 2039478023897 bagillzion bracelets on each wrist and am planning on getting 3-5 new piercings soon (ish). All this information seems inconsequential...but the point i am TRYING to make is....I'm growing up and I don't know WHEN THAT HAPPENED. My entire life i've never cared what I wore or how I wore my hair. Now i can't stick to a hairstyle for the LIFE of me and I'm wearing dresses just because I want to.

I'm DRIVING. I freaking live in my car I drive so much. It's ridic. I don't know what's happening.

I think I like it.

Besides community college. Which I don't think I like.


In other news: I'm obsessed with Greys Anatomy.


Wheee.


oh&ilovemyfriiiends[:
&honk!

&life.
but that's old/continuous news!


[: